Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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