so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
