i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
