Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
