Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Randomize