if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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