It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
