I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
