Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
