Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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