sarcasm needs its own font
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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