I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures
I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy
But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
