I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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