dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
