the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
