so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
