People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
