I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
