omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
