between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
