I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
