he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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