I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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