Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Randomize
