He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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