Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
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