I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
