operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
