i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
