you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
