just tell him i said nine months
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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