So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Randomize
