It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
