I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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