I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
