: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
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