I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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