He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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