Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
