I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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