apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
