Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
