I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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