My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
