Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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