You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
