I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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