i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
