i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
The feeling are messing with the penis
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
