this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
