I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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